been a while since i've blogged anything.

facebook status update has taken the place of longer thoughts. i like it though. and it's nice to see that people read your trivial and mundane status updates. ive been mocked mercilessly about how fb is stupid, why do i want to tell people what lunch i ate and why i would read what someone else had for lunch. i call this keeping in touch. if you dont want to keep in touch, dont read. what is life if not a sequence of mundane events? it certainly isn't an action movie. i dont have ground breaking news to tell my friends, so what? drama makes life interesting, but the need to constantly create and be in drama is definately a sign of emotional pathology

these are definately areas of my life that are ruled by anxiety and insecurities. ive fallen off the wagon with both, kinda in a rut right now. feels like im barely scraping by--i let the dishes and clothes pile up, i havent been exercising like i was a few months ago. motivation has gone down. the only reason it bothers me is because is i care about what people see and what they think. at the same time, an appropriate amount of anxiety and desire to conform to one's peers is healthy.

recently met some people who have distorted self images, meeting them and seeing things through their eyes has brough much self-reflection. how could someone so gorgeous think that they look ugly? it's so sad. and nothing i said changed their mind--they thought i was lying to make them feel better. i think that a long period of therapy could fix that, but it is really sad that it takes so much work to undo the lies that are planted in someone's head. i can understand it, when i look in the mirror, i see a fat, ugly person and of course no one could convince me otherwise.

why are people so mean? maybe mean people have mean parents, and the only way they could make themselves feel better is to put down other people and elevate themselves. that's legit, but of all the people why did they have to pick on such a kind hearted person. makes me furious. reminds me of bullies that picked on me. also reminds me of my mom saying that hardships are good for you because they make you stronger. i think that is a load of bull crap because hardships damage you. while a sheltered, happy childhood could make a person naive and unexperienced, it also makes for a confident, happy person. my dad once said that his abandoning us ultimately helped us be more independent. i asked him why he didnt just leave me in the middle of a wolf infested forest and leave me there and he said that i was being rediculous.

see, that's one of the reasons Mr. Cat is a great person to be with. he hasn't been through hardships so he isnt jaded and bitter. his default emotion is happiness. all my friends that have been through really hard times and have healed and become strong, they are stronger people but i dont think i would want to be married to any of them. their hearts are covered in scars, just like mine. the healed scars are proof of God's work in their lives and that is really awesome. it is God's work when someone's head gets unmessed. but brokeness was not a part of the original plan. i agree with the muppet that said life really sucks

as some of you know, our church went to the Rock & Worship Roadshow together on Good Friday

on our trip back Jared told me about a video that our kids would be watching in Children's Church. the story in the video helped me understand God's love in a whole new way, and i seriously want to thank the people that thought of this way to describe God's love to children

it was a story about a kid who lost their dog. the kid loved his dog so, so much and would do anything to find their missing dog. in the end the dog is reunited with the kid.

i know this is silly but this is the best illustration of God's love that i have ever heard. at least for me, this is the most relavant and hits me the most. i kept thinking about it all night and the next day. i was thinking about it on Easter Sunday when Pastor John was talking about what Jesus did for us. i know this sounds really weird, but when i heard that God loves me the way that i love my dog, it made me want to cry. this is gonna sound bad sometimes i think that i cannot possibly love anything more than i love my dog Pickles. of course i love my family and friends, but it is a different kind of love. i think i have become a very jaded and gaurded person because of how i've been dissapointed in the past. when i love a person, love is a choice and love is action. and it should be that way, not dependent on feelings. BUT, when it comes to Pickles, my love for him is endless and i cannot help how my heart pours out love for him. every time i see him it makes me happy. to me, he is the most perfect, most beautiful dog on earth. before i got Pickles a friend said to me that she is worried that she will not love her children (not yet born) as much as she loves her cat. at the time i thought that she was crazy for even thinking that, cuz how could you possibly love your children less? now i understand what she means.

i have never thought that that is how God feels when He sees me. now i think that i did not properly understand "God loves me" when i heard it before. i have heard it described many times, how God adores us and thinks that we are precious and was willing to die for the sake of being with us. i think i did not understand this because i have not experienced love like that before. it is especially difficult when people say that God loves like a parent, as i have had very difficult and complicated relationships with my parents (on good terms with both of them now, but they are hardly models of God).

i think it is actually helpful to use a dog-owner relationship to illustrate the human-God relationship because we are not equals with Him and we don't know what's going on when we are lost. though i will say that dogs are more loyal to their owners more than we are to God. i think there is a lot for me to learn from that illustration, because i know that i don't look up and pay all my attention and affection to God. my dogs kinda have their own life (sleeping, playing, doing their own thing) but for the most part they spend all their time following our lead. their eyes are always paying attention to us, the owners. also, when they make mistakes and are reprimanded, they do not get bitter or discouraged, they quickly get over it and seem happy again because that is how much they like being with us.

this makes me realize what a cold, defensive person i am, and i am thankful that God gave me Pickles to help me understand Him more

Cat bought me a sewing machine! i want to alter pants and change the drapes and other wively things like that. haven't started practicing yet, don't think i should start with his pants

today was a very bad day for my diet. it was also a very hard day at church. getting used to the new worship leader. i don't like change, but change is what would help me get out of complacency, which is what God has revealed to be a problem in my spiritual life.

making plans to visit Japan. also have to start planning for Cat's party. so much to do.